Here again....

I am writing because God is doing some incredible things.  I know He is.

But I am in the waiting....

These are a few recent messages from dear friends. And there are more that I could not find. :)   I love these with all my heart.   The Lord has blessed me with friends that help keep my head above the water and remind me of His promises. 

I decided to write because I wanted to get it out and have it written down so I can one day look back on all of this and remember.   

Where am I at in this journey?   I have done 2 rounds of IUIs (Intrauterine Insemination).  This has been a completely different experience than the IUIs before Jackson.  This has been more intense.

Before I just did IUIs, nothing more.  This time, its medicine and shots as well.  All has made me EXTREMELY hormonal.  

The circumstances are different as well.  I am the one that has the issue this time.  My Fallopian Tubes are mostly blocked.   SO, my Dr. said he would not do the 3rd and final IUI because he doesn't want to put me through it again.....a Laporoscopy would be the next step to clear out my tubes and then we can do the rounds of IUIs AGAIN to get pregnant. 

UGH

I am really stuck here.  I started this whole process telling myself.  "only IUIs, no surgeries."  But now I feel like if I don't have the Lap, I will have given up.  I mean its not a bad surgery.....Im just terrified of any surgery.....period.   But I do want a baby. And I know its attainable if I do this.   Why do I have such apprehension? I know I can man up and do the surgery.  I have some other hesitation.  I think I am just so exhausted from all the emotional highs and lows that I just need to just step back and think.

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So I started my period this morning, telling me that round 2 did not work.  I cried and cried.  I was so broken hearted and down.  It did not help that right before I woke up I had a dream that I was in a room with my mom and stepdad and a bundle of a baby not quite born or alive yet.....but then I noticed her eyes open and I picked her up (it was a girl) ... She was all dressed in white and smiling.  I rocked her and cried, praising God for answering my prayers.  

I woke up feeling the same feelings and thought for a second that maybe I was pregnant!  But right away my heart fell to my toes when I felt those familiar cramps.  I was devastated.  What did that dream mean?  Was the Lord reminding me that He has something for me? Is He saying this is you in a few months if you just keep at it?   Or what if it was an adopted baby?  We want to adopt as well and plan on it.  Is that it?

I have decided to take a month off of the meds, shots and disappointing results and just listen to God.

Emerse myself in his word and just listen.

I'm just going to let Him carry me, comfort me.  Im going to just rest in His peace.

A song that is dear to my heart.  My worship leader wants me to sing it next week.

I hope I can get through it. :)

http://youtu.be/GT1LWYVnBVw