Head above water

 I was filled with ALOT of anxiety yesterday and today.  BUT The Lord has carried me through.  He brought friends to me. They called, they invited me over, one came over, all random.  They didn't know they were the Lords helpers today but they were!  They kept my head above water. And Thank God for the sun this afternoon.

I was able to keep my mind off things.
One friend said some things that really struck me today.

I learned from her that I am NOT a baby making machine that has failed! THAT does NOT define me! I am so many wonderful things and have wonderful talents. I am so much more!  There is a baby or child waiting for me out there somewhere.   Gods Timing is perfect.

I NEEDED to hear that!

Music has always spoke to me.  These two songs did today.

Blessings - Laura Story
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise


Help me Find It - Sidewalk Prophets

I don't know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I'm finding I can't do this on my own

I don't know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I'm done fighting, I'm finally letting go

I will trust in You
You've never failed before
I will trust in You

If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it if I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will

This little piece of JOY has been a blessing. He always has! He is a gift from God.  He makes me smile every day! 

Here again....

I am writing because God is doing some incredible things.  I know He is.

But I am in the waiting....

These are a few recent messages from dear friends. And there are more that I could not find. :)   I love these with all my heart.   The Lord has blessed me with friends that help keep my head above the water and remind me of His promises. 

I decided to write because I wanted to get it out and have it written down so I can one day look back on all of this and remember.   

Where am I at in this journey?   I have done 2 rounds of IUIs (Intrauterine Insemination).  This has been a completely different experience than the IUIs before Jackson.  This has been more intense.

Before I just did IUIs, nothing more.  This time, its medicine and shots as well.  All has made me EXTREMELY hormonal.  

The circumstances are different as well.  I am the one that has the issue this time.  My Fallopian Tubes are mostly blocked.   SO, my Dr. said he would not do the 3rd and final IUI because he doesn't want to put me through it again.....a Laporoscopy would be the next step to clear out my tubes and then we can do the rounds of IUIs AGAIN to get pregnant. 

UGH

I am really stuck here.  I started this whole process telling myself.  "only IUIs, no surgeries."  But now I feel like if I don't have the Lap, I will have given up.  I mean its not a bad surgery.....Im just terrified of any surgery.....period.   But I do want a baby. And I know its attainable if I do this.   Why do I have such apprehension? I know I can man up and do the surgery.  I have some other hesitation.  I think I am just so exhausted from all the emotional highs and lows that I just need to just step back and think.

________________________________________

So I started my period this morning, telling me that round 2 did not work.  I cried and cried.  I was so broken hearted and down.  It did not help that right before I woke up I had a dream that I was in a room with my mom and stepdad and a bundle of a baby not quite born or alive yet.....but then I noticed her eyes open and I picked her up (it was a girl) ... She was all dressed in white and smiling.  I rocked her and cried, praising God for answering my prayers.  

I woke up feeling the same feelings and thought for a second that maybe I was pregnant!  But right away my heart fell to my toes when I felt those familiar cramps.  I was devastated.  What did that dream mean?  Was the Lord reminding me that He has something for me? Is He saying this is you in a few months if you just keep at it?   Or what if it was an adopted baby?  We want to adopt as well and plan on it.  Is that it?

I have decided to take a month off of the meds, shots and disappointing results and just listen to God.

Emerse myself in his word and just listen.

I'm just going to let Him carry me, comfort me.  Im going to just rest in His peace.

A song that is dear to my heart.  My worship leader wants me to sing it next week.

I hope I can get through it. :)

http://youtu.be/GT1LWYVnBVw