My Distraction

Bill and I had a hard time dealing with the fact that this may be a long road still. The beginning of the week was very sad for us.........we were just down. It is hard for me to see Bill like that. He is so strong and encouraging to me but to have to be that for him is a role I haven't played. Its tearing him up now. Well, I prayed to God to give me a distraction. I needed to get my mind off of it. Well, I have definitely been distracted this week. My grandmother passed away on Wednesday and that has filled my mind more than anything. And Bills parents are here this weekend-big distraction, although I know they are going to ask and we have decided to tell them about the IUI's. We may skip the July IUI because it is becoming too emotional, too overwhelming. The Dr. did say that this will be a very emotional journey and we may need to take a break at times. We went into it full force but are now losing hope and just too up and down. We may wait until August to do the next one and since it is on a weekend........make it a mini-fertility vacation. Go somewhere relaxing. Not sure where. Other distraction: Our very long and slow move :)

Ok, so after my long depressing spiel 2 nights ago I cried (cried so hard I popped a few blood vessels near my eye) and yesterday I felt so much better. I guess I really needed to cry. I was so darn happy yesterday I got on my own nerves. What an emotion low then high........just pms as usual. up and down. I haven't started yet- fully expect to this weekend, took a preg test this morning (I was anxious) It was SO negative. Doesn't necessarily mean anything as Bill would say but it just confirmed what I already know.
I have a great diversion though. We are moving and I am having fun picking out wall colors (my landlord is letting me do that....awesome) and getting ready to move. I will be packing this weekend while bill works and hopefully moving next week. VERY FAST. So, that is helping me get my mind off everything. I am on a search for the coolest shower curtain. I want to take my time and pick out the best.......I know funny. Oh and we are taking our time picking out the BEST fire pit for the back yard too. Both things we are thinking way too hard about but getting our minds onto other things. :)

Started reading yesterday from where I left off in Genesis (finished Old Test- now on to New) and of course it went right into Abraham and Sarah. Just a reminder to me that God will provide. Trying my best to keep hold of His promise.

I am due to start my period either Friday and Saturday and I kind of feel like I will. And I am sad, I mean real sad. Already emotional about it, its intensified with the heightened emotions that come with PMS. I could just cry but can't find the opportunity. So, my stomach hurts....I will get it out at some point. Probably when I start. No, I have lost hope ......again. Ugggghhhh
God give me strength......just BE my strength to get through each day, not take it out on anyone I come in contact with. It is getting really old faking it when I am dying inside. I try to keep my eyes on Jesus.....keep in his word so that temptation won't try to get me to doubt, grasp to other things: food, shopping ....whatever else is a temporary pleasure. I can so easily fall into the self medicating mode and be sad all the time. I am not a stranger to that kind of behavior. I do not want that to happen.......so I try to stay focused. I feel myself slowly going into a depression.....but am fighting it by going outside, hanging with friends, keeping up with my hobbies, and asking God everyday to put a smile on my face....show me that this WILL be worked out. See, I know He will provide.......did I do something wrong? Is He mad, Is He teaching us something? Am I not trusting enough? Is is punishment? Am I just being stupid and impatient? I am so sick of dreaming about the day I take a test and its positive and how I will tell Bill and what we would name it........so sick of it. It comes when I hope for a bit but it goes away as soon as I realize that I have one more negative month.

Ok now I will cry......

Sunday morning came early, we were both grumpy, but were encouraged at the fact that Bills numbers were very good, so a higher chance than last time of getting pregnant. I am more crampy than the last one and I have been a bit nauseous since.
We are hopeful. But not getting our hopes up too high.

#2 Sunday Morning

Yah, Sunday morning again. It is early enough we can still go to church but I have to take it easy the rest of the day. Its supposed to be a rainy day anyways...........time to lay on the couch and watch movies!
So, We'll see.

Desert Song: Hillsong United

This is my prayer in the desert And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved Of more worth than gold So refine me
Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life In every season
You are still God I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again The seed I've received I will sow

IUI #2

We are getting ready for IUI #2......lowering my caffeine intake (just a precaution) trying to eat good, be in good spirits and get rest. We were going to have it done in Cleveland this time but decided not to. Why pay more and be out the cost in travel. Cleveland has high respect for the office here in Erie. If may be a possibility later but for now, we will get them done here in Erie.
I think it will be Saturday, but not real sure.
I have been lifted up on prayers I think this week and last. I have had a peace everyday.
I had just one day that I felt down but I am holding on to Gods strength.
Thanks for your prayers all!