Our Long Wait

I am due to start my period either Friday and Saturday and I kind of feel like I will. And I am sad, I mean real sad. Already emotional about it, its intensified with the heightened emotions that come with PMS. I could just cry but can't find the opportunity. So, my stomach hurts....I will get it out at some point. Probably when I start. No, I have lost hope ......again. Ugggghhhh
God give me strength......just BE my strength to get through each day, not take it out on anyone I come in contact with. It is getting really old faking it when I am dying inside. I try to keep my eyes on Jesus.....keep in his word so that temptation won't try to get me to doubt, grasp to other things: food, shopping ....whatever else is a temporary pleasure. I can so easily fall into the self medicating mode and be sad all the time. I am not a stranger to that kind of behavior. I do not want that to happen.......so I try to stay focused. I feel myself slowly going into a depression.....but am fighting it by going outside, hanging with friends, keeping up with my hobbies, and asking God everyday to put a smile on my face....show me that this WILL be worked out. See, I know He will provide.......did I do something wrong? Is He mad, Is He teaching us something? Am I not trusting enough? Is is punishment? Am I just being stupid and impatient? I am so sick of dreaming about the day I take a test and its positive and how I will tell Bill and what we would name it........so sick of it. It comes when I hope for a bit but it goes away as soon as I realize that I have one more negative month.

Ok now I will cry......