Our Long Wait

No IUI # 3.............

2009-09-16T17:55:00.001-07:00

................Because I am pregnant!!!!

Praise God, from whom all Blessings Flow

Praise Him, all creatures here below

Praise Him Above, ye Heavenly Host

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost

Had to bring out some old school Doxology.

Apparently, I was ovulating on Aug 1 and God did not want us to do the IUI so He made the fertility test not work so we could conceive on our own!

Thats my theory anyways.

Bill could hardly believe his eyes when I showed him the test. I could hardly believe my eyes when I took it AT WORK! And to make it all perfect, it was our 8 yr anniversary. The best gift of all!

We are so happy. Happy is not the word for it.

We are filled with true Joy! I have never felt this kind of Joy before.

I am 8, almost 9 weeks. We had our first Dr. visit today and everything is as it should be.

I am sick, TIRED and always hungry. I welcome all of these!

Thank you, friends and family, for all of your support and prayers!

Thank you Lord!

Our Long Wait is OVER!

No IUI #3

2009-08-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

I decided to re-write today's blog post. I had explained that we were not able to do the third IUI because I did not get my LH surge (no ovulation) then I wrote a very depressing post.
I am tired of being depressed and so down on myself. There are things to do and relationships to build. I cannot be defined by this! First things first (and Bill encouraged me tonight) I must begin working out again. I have become lazy and pewny and tired all the time. So, I will attempt to make a habit of it each morning. It will be excruciating at first but it will be worth it.

IUI #3

2009-07-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

We will do #3 this week. I have a new hope but kind of over it.
We have talked about adoption in the past and prayed that if that is what God would have us do for now, to just open doors. Well, there was an open door last weekend. A young teenager that Bills aunt knew about was about 4-5 months along and had expressed that she did not want to keep the child. She even lives in Pennsylvania. His aunt had our permission to talk to her about a possible adoption. However, we were later told that the young girl went ahead and had an abortion. It broke our hearts and we wandered if it truly was an open door. Was God softening our hearts for these situations, telling us we need to adopt because my heart is there right now. But we will do this 3rd IUI as the doctor instructed and then talk about options. One thing at a time: One Day at a time. We have built up our strength and hope thanks to God and a break. I had asked for a distraction (as mentioned in a past blog post) and boy did I get one. June and July was filled with visits from family and travels and moving. We are ready to start again in August. Like I have said before: We'll see.

IUI No. 3 - Delayed

2009-07-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

We have decided to take a break. We are not doing #3 until August. We feel a weight lifted. We have regained hope and may consider looking into adoption again.
For now, I am still distracted by the move downstairs. I am so glad for that. My mind is on other things right now.........just what I prayed for and my cup overfloweth! All good things of course.

My Distraction

2009-06-27T04:24:00.000-07:00

Bill and I had a hard time dealing with the fact that this may be a long road still. The beginning of the week was very sad for us.........we were just down. It is hard for me to see Bill like that. He is so strong and encouraging to me but to have to be that for him is a role I haven't played. Its tearing him up now. Well, I prayed to God to give me a distraction. I needed to get my mind off of it. Well, I have definitely been distracted this week. My grandmother passed away on Wednesday and that has filled my mind more than anything. And Bills parents are here this weekend-big distraction, although I know they are going to ask and we have decided to tell them about the IUI's. We may skip the July IUI because it is becoming too emotional, too overwhelming. The Dr. did say that this will be a very emotional journey and we may need to take a break at times. We went into it full force but are now losing hope and just too up and down. We may wait until August to do the next one and since it is on a weekend........make it a mini-fertility vacation. Go somewhere relaxing. Not sure where. Other distraction: Our very long and slow move :)

2009-06-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so after my long depressing spiel 2 nights ago I cried (cried so hard I popped a few blood vessels near my eye) and yesterday I felt so much better. I guess I really needed to cry. I was so darn happy yesterday I got on my own nerves. What an emotion low then high........just pms as usual. up and down. I haven't started yet- fully expect to this weekend, took a preg test this morning (I was anxious) It was SO negative. Doesn't necessarily mean anything as Bill would say but it just confirmed what I already know.
I have a great diversion though. We are moving and I am having fun picking out wall colors (my landlord is letting me do that....awesome) and getting ready to move. I will be packing this weekend while bill works and hopefully moving next week. VERY FAST. So, that is helping me get my mind off everything. I am on a search for the coolest shower curtain. I want to take my time and pick out the best.......I know funny. Oh and we are taking our time picking out the BEST fire pit for the back yard too. Both things we are thinking way too hard about but getting our minds onto other things. :)

Started reading yesterday from where I left off in Genesis (finished Old Test- now on to New) and of course it went right into Abraham and Sarah. Just a reminder to me that God will provide. Trying my best to keep hold of His promise.

2009-06-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

I am due to start my period either Friday and Saturday and I kind of feel like I will. And I am sad, I mean real sad. Already emotional about it, its intensified with the heightened emotions that come with PMS. I could just cry but can't find the opportunity. So, my stomach hurts....I will get it out at some point. Probably when I start. No, I have lost hope ......again. Ugggghhhh
God give me strength......just BE my strength to get through each day, not take it out on anyone I come in contact with. It is getting really old faking it when I am dying inside. I try to keep my eyes on Jesus.....keep in his word so that temptation won't try to get me to doubt, grasp to other things: food, shopping ....whatever else is a temporary pleasure. I can so easily fall into the self medicating mode and be sad all the time. I am not a stranger to that kind of behavior. I do not want that to happen.......so I try to stay focused. I feel myself slowly going into a depression.....but am fighting it by going outside, hanging with friends, keeping up with my hobbies, and asking God everyday to put a smile on my face....show me that this WILL be worked out. See, I know He will provide.......did I do something wrong? Is He mad, Is He teaching us something? Am I not trusting enough? Is is punishment? Am I just being stupid and impatient? I am so sick of dreaming about the day I take a test and its positive and how I will tell Bill and what we would name it........so sick of it. It comes when I hope for a bit but it goes away as soon as I realize that I have one more negative month.

Ok now I will cry......

2009-06-08T19:06:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning came early, we were both grumpy, but were encouraged at the fact that Bills numbers were very good, so a higher chance than last time of getting pregnant. I am more crampy than the last one and I have been a bit nauseous since.
We are hopeful. But not getting our hopes up too high.

#2 Sunday Morning

2009-06-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

Yah, Sunday morning again. It is early enough we can still go to church but I have to take it easy the rest of the day. Its supposed to be a rainy day anyways...........time to lay on the couch and watch movies!
So, We'll see.

2009-06-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

Desert Song: Hillsong United

This is my prayer in the desert And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved Of more worth than gold So refine me
Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice I will declare God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life In every season
You are still God I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again The seed I've received I will sow

IUI #2

2009-06-03T05:33:00.000-07:00

We are getting ready for IUI #2......lowering my caffeine intake (just a precaution) trying to eat good, be in good spirits and get rest. We were going to have it done in Cleveland this time but decided not to. Why pay more and be out the cost in travel. Cleveland has high respect for the office here in Erie. If may be a possibility later but for now, we will get them done here in Erie.
I think it will be Saturday, but not real sure.
I have been lifted up on prayers I think this week and last. I have had a peace everyday.
I had just one day that I felt down but I am holding on to Gods strength.
Thanks for your prayers all!

2009-05-27T05:32:00.000-07:00

Enough is enough. I have no more energy to cry or even talk about it anymore. I don't want to be unhappy or become depressed. I think God blessed me greatly yesterday. I did not get over emotional about it, I had a great day and felt like myself again. I called Cleveland Clinic and am waiting for a call back. We may try IUI there this time if they think it may be more effective. Not sure yet. Not sure how Bill is feeling right now. We have been so busy and have not had a chance to talk. Time to start taking temperature and monitor ovulation. IUI #2 in 10 days.

2009-05-26T05:36:00.001-07:00

For the first time EVER, no words were said, Bill just held me because he knew the sadness I was feeling and felt it himself as well. Last night was a release because all weekend we had held it all in in front of my family. I think they did sense something because I know I felt sad and may not have looked happy to them. But they did not say anything. They know we are still trying and its hard for us but they still do not know about the IUIs. Saturday morning before our huge family cookout, I started my period. It is what I have dealt with for the past 2.5 years but this time I had a little bit of hope and I was crushed......I didn't tell Bill just yet but put on a fake happy face and enjoyed my family. I did end up telling him but we never discussed it because we were always surrounded by family......but what was there to discuss? It didn't work and we'll try again next month but nevertheless it made us sad. If this is what we are going to deal with the next 3-6 months, I am not sure I can handle it. My hope is fading though I still trust in God and his plans. A wierd feeling and hard to understand.

I was encouraged by a sermon and testimony my friend Theresa passed along to me. Her church did a sermon on Hannah's story of dispair but trust in God and God opened her womb and she gave birth to Samuel. click here to listen. I love that story. And the testimony in the sermon was very comforting and I could really relate to her feelings of no hope, of sadness and bitterness. After so many years of no luck they decided to give it to God and God blessed them. Very sweet and encouraging!

Sometimes I feel like going back to basics and keep trying naturally-no tests-no IUI-no drugs and let God work. But not sure He wants me to do that yet. I feel like we are to do a couple more IUIs. Either way, it is and will be VERy emotional and my stength and hope are almost gone.
So, God be my strength and friends be my hope!

Ugggggh

2009-05-21T05:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bad day for me. We were slow at work and that is agonizing for me. So, when that happens I think more and right now I do not need to THINK. (think about my situation)
I was down, sad, feeling like I will start my period this weekend and scared of that outcome, though I have experience that outcome for the past 2.5 years.
I am not sure I like this whole IUI thing. The wait is excruciating.
My boobs hurt, I have these little cramps ............am I pregnant? or am I about to start?
UGGGGHHH. Not sure I can handle this. But it is only the first IUI and maybe I will get a better handle on myself after I have done a couple.
We have an unexplained infertility and they call it. No real big reason. MAybe its a mixture of his low mobility and the fact that I have a tilted uterus. They're trying to get there but the destination is unclear. :) So, IUI's SHOULD work, forcing them in the right spot. But with natural fertilization, your chances aren't that high anyways, so the IUI isn't going to be much higher.

Tired of talking about it again. I need to renw my mind on Christ and his plans. .....daily it seems like. But I have my horomes working against me right now. I think I am about to start and so I am very emotional this week (more than last week) It will help to see my family this weekend! What a blessing! And they don't even know all of this. I wish I could tell my mom and sister. But there isn't anything they can do anyways. No more than they are already doing: Hoping and praying.

What do I do to get my mind off things....

2009-05-18T06:40:00.001-07:00

Painting

Gardening

Cooking

Spend Time with My Hubby

Two Week Wait

2009-05-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I felt emotionally spent and felt crampy throughout the day.
I feel much better today! Eating good, taking my vitamins as usual and trying to get my mind on other things. So I'll wait...................patiently.

Round 1 Accomplished!

2009-05-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

So, Saturday brought my surge and today we did our first IUI............funny enough, on Mothers Day! Hope that is a sign of things to come but we will see. I feel good, it was not painful, just a bit crampy. I am resting all day like I was told. Now for the "Two Week Wait" TWW as it is called in the infertility world. The long wait to see if it worked. I have decided not to focus so much on this whole thing. Kind of stressing me out. I may blog less and/or talk about it less.....not sure what will help. Oh well, :)

In Honor of this Mothers Day Weekend!

2009-05-08T06:01:00.001-07:00

What can I say about my mom!

She had me when she was very young (18)
I was her first.

She taught me many things......including the love of animals! We always had both dogs and cats and even a couple mice. I remember her nursing a few birds back to health when they had fallen out of a tree when I was 3 or 4. She would let them go when they were better and to me it was beautiful and wonderful...weird to some.

My mom loved to take pictures like the one below of me. She loved gardening, my grandmas roses and taking pics of them and us. She is a very special women and friend! I miss spending time with her. She is so excited about me becoming a mother someday. She is so knowledgeable (5 kids) and I look forward to her assisting me in the whole process some day.

Surprised- Still no surge

2009-05-08T05:15:00.000-07:00

So, it looks like the LH surge will come tomorrow and we will be doing the IUI on Sunday! Ugghhhh! I hope to schedule after church. I hate to miss. I took today off (even though I am not doing IUI) and i am glad. This has been the most stressful week EVER at this job and I don't need that in preparation. Last night I came home from work, did not go to guitar lessons, did not got to girls small group and made dinner (that helped me distress) and crashed. I was so worn out and tired I had this very agitated and frustrated feeling......I fell asleep before Bill and I could talk. He had been working on the car outside all evening. (He is awesome by the way.)
So,I woke up feeling refreshed, I am relaxing today, getting my nails painted (no acrylics for me, I just can't paint my own nails well), maybe read more of my Rob Bell book and maybe even shop a bit.....then small group tonight! Yay! Wow, now I feel like I am tweeting, not blogging.

Hmmmmm

2009-05-07T05:33:00.001-07:00

No LH surge today. I really thought today would be it. I guess tomorrow then. THAT means Saturday will be IUI day. OR maybe I won't have a surge, or maybe I had it early and missed it. All have crossed my mind. I just need to be patient.

IUI No. 1

2009-05-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

So, I am preparing for IUI no. 1 of 3. It is a bit nerve wracking. I am not getting my hopes up because we only have a 20% chance of getting prego. Not sure what percentage we have been dealing with anyways.....10%, 5%? It should be either Friday or Saturday that we will go in for the IUI. I am excited to start this process though. I am hopeful. We are not telling family right now because of the stress that comes with that. In fact, we may have told too many of our friends, but do not regret it. We appreciate the support....Need it! It has been hard not talking to my mom about it though. But she knows we are still trying and is praying for us just as the rest of the family are. So, the next 3 months are planned out .......no visitors, no trips home, etc. We had to change a bunch of plans and that stinks but oh well. That is what we have to sacrifice right now. Plus each IUI is like $300......so we are very tight.
This is all so boring....I am going to quit writing. Bill comes home tonight! Yay

Backround

2009-05-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

February 18th 2007 12:00am. I turned 30 yrs old and it was then that Bill and I started TTC (trying to conceive). I had waited long enough. We had been married for 6 years! I had wanted to have a baby 6 months into our married and my time had arrived! Yay!
I was tired of hearing, "lets wait until we have more money" or "we have plenty of time, you know how fertile your mom is (5 kids)"
Well, 2.5 years later, after being poked and prodded, test after test for both him and I we find out that nothing major is really wrong with us besides a slightly low sperm count with low mobility............probably caused by stress.
Well, lets see..........Since we started trying Bill has finished his last year in Med School, moved and started his first year in Residency......Nothing but STRESS CITY. Timing is everything and the worst time would have been the past 2 years! So, we wait. But in the meantime we go forward with what our doctor at the Cleveland Clinic suggests..........begin Artificial Insemination by way of IUI: Intrauterine Insemination. This is the first step for us. Because of our age and time TTC the Doc suggests we try 3 rounds (consecutive months) of IUI. He is hopeful.

Where is God in all of this? Well, I know He hears my crys asking why and has carried us through this time. Bill and I have such a great support system and I have found comfort in consistantly reading my Bible for the first time EVER. I learned much of the New Testament growing up but now I read it with whole new eyes. I guess I am older, wiser, less naive and really want to know and understand Christ and what He was all about. Anyways, in reading I have found comfort in my wait......in Gods waiting room, I know He knows that exact time and place we will hold our first child. Either by natural birth or adoption, we were destined to be parents. I just feel it. I constantly give this whole thing to Him. It seems easier for Bill than me. But I think we go through this in a different way........I am the one that realizes my cycle has started and cry alone in the bathroom, I am the one that "thinks I feel something, could I be pregnant?" NO. I have those maturnal instincts when seeing babies, etc. But he does deal with it in his own way. He is hurting and it breaks my heart. He is a provider and he feels he is not providing the one thing I have wanted since 6 months into our marriage. I love him so much and pray daily that God blesses us.

Intro

2009-05-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

I decided to start a blog to journal my thoughts and to also keep my very close friends up to date on our quest to become parents. Thanks for your thoughts, prayers and encouragement!
You are all angels!

Christie